Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Skull Session

We went to the "Skull Session" at OSU last Saturday. This is where the marching band plays through all the music for the game--pregame, halftime, and postgame--while sitting in chairs in the old basketball arena. It is free and starts two hours before the game. It is a way to get the boys to campus on game day, hear the band, experience some of the excitement, but not actually go to the game. We have a dear friend who is training to be the Drum Major. She had to try out this fall for the chance to do everything with the band this year, and the chance to try out for the Drum Major position next spring. Here are the photos. We had a great time!

Thursday, October 08, 2009


A trip to the pumpkin patch with Joseph--

Nothing is ever as you plan.

Yesterday was beautiful. Clear, cool, perfect autumn day. So, after school Joseph, Alex, and I headed to the pumpkin patch. It was a beautiful, short drive. I took the back roads to enjoy the day.

We, well I, decided we should walk out to the field to choose our pumpkins rather than buy the ones already harvested. Alex pushed the wheelbarrow. Joseph stalled. He didn't want to walk. He wanted to climb on the tractor, climb on the wagon, turn around and go back to the barn, but he eventually followed.

We made it the 1/8th mile or so to the field. Alex and I started looking at all the different choices, trying to decide how big we wanted. I took out the phone to get some photos. Well... about that time Alex notices that Joseph has grabbed the wheelbarrow and was heading back to the barn. Whoops. I grabbed the biggest pumpkin I could carry, and told Alex to run and catch Joseph so I could use the wheelbarrow for at least part of the trip back.

Thus ended our visit to the pumpkin patch. We had a great time. And I didn't have a chance to get annoyed that it was taking Alex too long to decide which pumpkin he wanted!

My only photo is out of focus and doesn't show Alex's face.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Hanging on--

I'm having a blue period. Some of it is brought on by a medication that I took for three weeks, and don't have to take any longer. A big relief. That medication caused a real spike in my depression. For those of you who don't know, I have fought depression all my life. I now take medication for it, and I'm much, much, much happier. Life is just easier with an antidepressant in my system. I'm not "fighting" depression. I'm just being content, or being sad, or being happy. I'm not fighting to get through the day.

Taking that medication for three weeks reminded me of how I used to be. Not all of the time, but way too much of the time. I spent the last three weeks struggling to get through the day. Struggling to keep a smile on my face, not yell at my kids, not snipe at Dave. I don't have the patience for it any more. I now know that I don't have to live like that, so when I sink into it--even when I know that I'm sinking only because of a medication--I don't have the grit to fight it. I kind of let myself wallow in it. And I'm letting it be an excuse. Ah--there is a word that needs to be analyzed. Is depression an excuse or is it a reason?

Is depression a reason to set more modest goals for myself? Do I need to accept myself, as I am, and not expect myself to achieve, produce, etc. as a non-depressed person with the same skill-set could or would? Should I be proud of what I do accomplish in a day, despite my frame of mind? After all, I got out of bed... Some days that is a big deal for me.

And on top of my depression, I wonder how much having "special-needs kids" is an excuse or a reason to have blue days, difficult days, grumpy days, lousy days? Do I use my kids as an excuse? Or are my kids a reason for me to have a tough time?

I'm not looking for sympathy or answers. I'm just articulating a struggle going on with myself.

I'd be interested in thoughts of readers that have similar struggles--for similar or completely different reasons.

And I'm interested in the thoughts of those of you who don't struggle with this kind of thing. Until I married Dave I didn't realize people existed that didn't have these kinds of struggles. Just as he didn't understand that depression was real until he married me. He thought all those depressed people were whiners that needed to "buck up!"